I <3 smoking cigarettes

I smoke e-card from bluntcard.com

It amuses me when strangers shun me because I’m smoking a cigarette.  If they knew me at all, they could find far more quality reasons to cross the street.  I’ve had people go out of their way to be rude to me only because I’m smoking.  I am a very considerate smoker, I walk away from a crowd, I carry an ashtray and dispose of my waste properly.  The disgust is not because of the smoke or that the smell is bothering them or that I’m subversively killing them, just the idea of it seems to be offensive.

Occasionally I wish that I could be so vocally offended by things.  “You!  You there!  Why haven’t you obtained a nose job?  For god’s sake, there’s no need for that in this day and age”.   Or  “Hey, excuse me, but you are very fat, do you realize that you could die from that and it’s just a vile habit, that overeating that you must be doing”?    I can’t really do any of that though since I’ve adopted this “live and let live” attitude due to the fact that I just don’t care.

Perspective is a difficult thing to achieve.  It’s the bane of my existence and I’m always striving to get it and keep it.  Statistics do not help.  The media just throws everything so out of whack that you have to spend hours and hours considering everything and trying to get it in perspective.  Savage dog attacks, freeway shootings, stranger abductions.  Have any of these things happened to you?  Do you know anyone that has had these things happen?  How about SARS or Swine Flu?  Do you know anyone who knows anyone that that happened to?

Now lets think about the people we know who smoke.  Do they die a worse death then the people we know who overeat?  Do they die a worse death than the people we know who do coke or meth or drink too much alcohol or get hit by a truck or eat fast food every day?  And the people who do not smoke, do they die a far more pleasant death?  I’m not going to lay out all of the deaths that I’ve seen but let me tell you, they do not play out with all of this over -reaction about cigarette smoking.  I’m going to guess that if you really think about it for a minute, you’ll agree.  Sure, we all know someone who smoked and got lung cancer.  Uh, no, actually, I don’t.

Obviously, I’m not convinced about the whole cigarettes will kill you thing, although I do get it that something will.  I had a hard time with “Refer Madness” too and I should probably mention that I sleep with a Pit Bull who is the sweetest, most loving creature I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.   The messages I’m receiving are not computing with my day to day reality.  The  public service announcements that I’m exposed to are such a waste of time and money.  I get really pissed off when I see that commercial with Death crawling out of a compact car and transforming into the “Miller Girl” and distributing free cigarettes.  Oh brother.  No one gives away free cigarettes.  Pure bullshit.

And lets say that the cigarettes do kill me.  Well, if they don’t then something else will.  I drive a car, that’ll kill me.  I eat a lot of butter, that’ll kill me.  I drink a lot of wine, that’ll kill me.  But you know what?  If I just sit here in place for long enough, that’ll kill me.  If I eat parts of pine trees and run my ass off everyday that will kill me.  I really hate to be the bearer of bad news but…  eventually, something is going to kill you.

So lets consider what to do in the meantime and try to get some perspective on the thing.

Virginia Slims will send you prizes for smoking!

Ah, I’d love to be all scientific about it, but I’m no scientist.  I started smoking when I was 13.  By the time I was 15 I’d tried all of the various brands available and settled on Virginia Slims.  I need you to know that a choice like that was not peer pressure, my friends teased me and called them “Vagina Slimes”.  Not to worry, that didn’t deter me and to this day that is the brand of cigarettes that I crave and adore.  I’m pretty convinced that it is not the nicotine that saves me, it’s the genius combination of chemicals that are in those specific cigarettes that bring me consolation.

I’m loyal to them and they’ve earned it.  These cigarettes that I smoke have always come through for me.  If I want to relax, I smoke them slowly.  If I need to get active, I smoke them quickly.  We’ve grown up together, we know how to work it.  They ALWAYS come through for me and I don’t even have to think about it.  We have that thing.   What in this world can you say that about?

Ignorant, uneducated, unsophisticated people smoke.  Poor people smoke.  Stupid people smoke.  Statistics say.

Ok.  Call me whatever you’d like.  Shun me.  Make me feel like a leper.  What have you done for me?  Are you willing to calm me down at 3 in the morning?  Will you inspire me to work at 1 am?  Will you sooth me into another day first thing in the morning?  Nobody is going to take that responsibility and I wouldn’t ask them to.  Except my cigarettes.  I expect all of  that and they always provide.

It’s an expensive habit and getting more so with the “sin taxes”.  You will be made to feel less than human and people will assume that you are an asshole.  Other than that, on a personal level, I would highly recommend it.  It’s a good, dependable drug.  The possible side effects are emphysema, lung cancer, shortness of breath, loss of income and acquiring a stigma.  The good news is that it is an anti-depressant, stimulant or  sedative at your desire.  The side effects are well documented and you know what you’re getting into.  Seems fair to me.